Jan 18, 2017

I need slower things Things that breath better

My fingers feeling What these earth years have flung I fall down in my cake

I laughed and thought that this all would be sorted as I grew older. That the patience would come. The grit would build. But it did and it didn't. If I think more correctly that this will not become finished in age but in challenging myself to find that peace.

 
Jan 16, 2017

Opened a freshly canned version of my show while I was in Seattle last week. Enjoy.

I exposed some of my roots during this show. Leading with an introduction to the video game Fallout. Segued into surfer punk music and other oddities from the 60s. Then took it into some rock and goth. The second hour was more of the contempary tracks of my present withe a gentle close to the hour. I even through a track I had put together into the mix at the end.

 
Dec 6, 2016

In whatever space in I am in I find myself feeling as though I am a visitor; a guest. I feel that less so within my own “home” but the idea of a long-standing home in which I reside has not existed for a long time.

I do remember feeling quite a bit at home when living within Virginia with my family. But at the age of 11 my life changed when I moved from to California from Virginia. From that point on I continued to move every few years until I finally have come to rest here in Wisconsin last year.

I moved from apartments to new apartments and rented house during my entire time in Seattle. Leaving Seattle took me to D.C., Denver, and San Francisco.

Living now in a small town is different than most of those experiences. This is also a more permanent moment. I don't have regular social meetings that surface some of the social interactions I had sought before. I have to talk to people, plan, and prepare moments to see one another. I have to think on how to keep it fun and fresh. It reminds...

 
Dec 5, 2016

In the past two weeks I have had the chance to dance again. Before that it was October. Before that is hazy. It is an activity that I enjoy and I realized both of these nights it is because I practiced and got better at the entire experience. I feel like I have decent control of my body and probably more importantly a sense of comfort on the dance floor.

It had been awhile since I had thought of all the times I had been to goth clubs and then out dancing in Korea. There were so many moments in my life where I found myself practicing on the dance floor. And now I feel a sense of enjoyment. I mean, I did before, but there is sense of return on investment that seems particularly rewarding at this stage in life.

I continue to draw a little, play the piano, and game. I spend more time satisfying my underdeveloped skills in first-person shooters. In the past few months, since summer, I have really grown as a player. I still sense more work and development ahead. The plateaus come but I continue...

 
Nov 15, 2016

Working remotely is hard for me. Work in some ways doesn't fill a particular part of me. Not the way it did in person. I wonder if part of the way I work requires me to be with others.

I recently have been stating aloud something that I have known for a long time. The most meaningful work is the work that I can do with people I enjoy.

I served five-years active in the US Army. A year out they start asking you want you want: a signing bonus; a transfer to a gravy duty station (parade issue); a job change. I almost caved when Honolulu hit the table but remained firm because they couldn't offer me what it is I really wanted:

I wanted to continue to work with the same group of people that I had come to trust and enjoy working with each day.

Then there are days that I think the isolation is useful. When I am withdrawn I find the space to absorb, adapt, and deliver. I am principal to the design. No longer bound by a committee. I can spend hours fret big and small things equally. Delivering...

 
Oct 23, 2016

505 Union Street

I was working part-time at the University of Washington. Attending classes part time. Missing classes often. My ambitions and my major changed a few times before I had landed in Informatics. The second cohort of a program still within its genesis. And that showed in some its execution.

I don't remember what course finally gave me cause to cut ties; but I remember the moment. A call came in from Elle. Danny had a friend named Ryan that was in need of someone full-time. Elle suggested me.

I interviewed to be a Quality Assurance (QA) Engineer. I stated in the interview that I hoped to be a Developer some day. I learned shortly after being hired that I almost wasn't hired for saying that. A huge division had driven itself between the Development team and QA.

We were developing a brand-new computer. Portable laptop the size of paperback fantasy novel. We released it to low fanfare and eventually most of us were cut.

It was the start of an incredible journey. The beginning of my technical...

 
Feb 11, 2016

I have a colorful imagination that can often take me to far off places. Re-mixing the media and experiences of my life into the work that I am doing at the moment. However, this head full of memories and thoughts can bear down heavy on me. I can very often become stricken by paralysis.

I see the problem. My brain begins to see through to a solution. A faster, clearer way of accomplishing the work or expressing the idea. But I cannot find all the steps or maybe the right, first step. So I stand there and ponder the work ahead. Eventually I may take a step in; other times I may turn away and return another day.

It has been more challenging than I thought to step away from contributing code to an active application. My current work, developing training content, is often not as targeted, exact, and does not require quite as much coordination. I can often lose sight of its importance because for the most part the organization continues on without it.

Working closely within other individuals...

 
Feb 3, 2016

When Hannah and I drove through Viroqua I would see the small town radio station WDRT. I would crane my neck to see into the window, hoping to find someone on the air. To see someone talking into the microphone and to simultaneously hear them on the radio. I longed to be a part of radio.

I am not even sure why I felt exactly that way. Why in the age of everything online would I want to be onthe radio? Why, when there are podcasts? On the radio you have no chance of knowing your listeners are there listening. I would be hard-pressed to find the metrics to help guide improvement. I would be restricted to when I would be able to perform and be restriction in my performance.

Yet, I still wanted on the radio.

When we eventually moved here I finally popped into the station. I thought I would find glaring holes in the schedule on nights and weekends. A station in need of people to donate their time and fill the airwaves. Instead I found a schedule that filled the week. Shows even alternateed...

 
Feb 3, 2016

When working I continue to find that that greatest thing that hampers me at the moment is myself. I can feel it come on. During the act of creation I am sometimes acutely overtaken by this understanding that what I am crafting is at the pinnacle of my understanding. In in that moment I faulter.

I continue to explore with the ways that I create. With music the act of creation has grown harder as my expectations on my skills has increased; a desire to build bigger. That desire has outpaced my skill.

To combat this I have imposed a 30 minute time limit. The following is a product of that work:

 
Oct 22, 2015

I live in small town in Wisconsin. It's a long story and a lot of miles since I left Van Nuys High. When I graduated I had no clue what I was going to do with my life and the early choices that I made showed that. I spent a year signing up for classes at Los Angeles Valley College; signing up and then dropping them for the cash. I would walk out of the Valley to UCLA and spend time with a good friend. I flipped burgers at In-N-Out on Van Nuys Boulevard.

Then I drove my car into another car. I didn't have insurance. I declared bankruptcy. The hardest part was not having a car in Los Angeles. I didn't feel like I had many choices left – I couldn't see much past my own life. I joined the Army for five years. I joined another good friend for a year.

The Army took me to a few more States and the South Korea. I eventually landed in Washington State. I left the military August 19, 2001. I enrolled and tried my hand at school again. This time I reached farther and found my way enrolled in...

 
Oct 6, 2015

The recent jam felt great. We caught up. We felt like friends.

The weather has changed here in Wisconsin. It is far colder out. Especially that evening. Autumn comes on you quick here. These days are warm in the sun if you can find a window to stretch out under.

We actually started talking about that first. We were talking about how good it was to get back into that room so we could generate some heat. Making music generate heat.

The the studio switched over to jam mode and and we needed to slowly work our way back up to volume in a number I like to call Sexy Sandwich.

We then flew right into Fast Enough and Let Down Your Hair which were super fun and funky. I tried to figure out how the hell you backup someone else. I learned a few ways not to do it.

And then felt an endless spout from my mouth. It had been a few weeks of bottled shit that needed to be shared. But not in particular words and thoughts but the feeling of need to getting it out. I think this has become a valve.

 
Oct 4, 2015

I walk late at night in the country here. I walk in the dark. I walk when the wind howls and the drops drizzle. The night is my time. It is restless time. I start to overheat. I want to either end the night completely accomplished or absolutely frustrated.

I want to wake up the next day already having said goodbye to that task and planning summer visits. Or I want to be so locked in horns with it that I won't give in. Either of those. But the space in between is probably some of the worst.

And the truth is that more nights out of the week are those nights. I continue to stare at this infernal contraption each night expecting to find my fill. To have played all the notes out of this instrument. But that day never seems to come.

So I walk each night. I walk because without it the entire evening would have been a waste (I would have sat there all night!) in my head. And more often than not it gives me a little back in waking me up and helping me center and prepare that time.

I walked...